I Don’t Feel Like I’m Growing ─ Maybe I Am!
On breakdowns, slow progress, and the quiet ways God reminds us we’re not alone.
I’ve come here to really rant not to inspire, not to be “strong” or “figured out”, but to be human. I’m just a young woman in process but truth be told, I don’t feel like I’m growing, and I’m tired of pretending otherwise.
Just this week, I sat at my study table and the tears flowed. I felt buried beneath an avalanche of notes, schedules, and unmet expectations. How did I get here — into this academic maze with no visible exit? I’ve tried every method I can think of: Pomodoro, long study blocks, switching environments, isolating distractions but life kept throwing punches; from illness to other obligations, even moments meant to bring joy have added to the weight.
At some point, I found myself looking at the pages I had left to study and felt a wave of hopelessness. I wanted to rant into someone’s WhatsApp DM, but most of the people I’d normally talk to are either going through the same thing or are too busy to take on more and I didn’t want to be a burden.
So, I turned to the One who has never seen me as a burden — the Holy Spirit. I poured out my heart and in that quiet, desperate space, His Word began to flood my spirit. Scripture after Scripture pushed against the lies that had started to sink in. Peace crept in not all at once, but enough to breathe again.
It’s strange how the negative always screams louder. A single challenge can overshadow a dozen small wins. I’ve realized I’m quick to forget answered prayers, growth milestones, or moments of joy when things get hard. Taking gratitude journaling seriously will save me from such dilemmas — it should be the memory keeper for when my faith feels frail.
But life isn’t easy. Not emotionally. Not spiritually. Sometimes, even after a major breakthrough, I wake up the next day with a sense of futility. “What’s the point of all this growth if I still feel stuck?” I think. It happened again this morning. After interceding for someone and encouraging them about their purpose, I found myself doubting my own.
The irony? That same me who was strong for someone else suddenly felt like a fraud. It is important that I reinforce the lesson that growth isn’t always obvious. It’s not always a shout; sometimes it’s a whisper and although I still see many gaps between who I am and the woman I’m becoming, the truth is: a whole lot has changed in my life. That can’t be denied!
As I grow in self-awareness, I’m learning that life is neither soft nor hard — it’s textured. Everyone’s journey is layered and nuanced. The people who seem to have it together? They’re fighting their own silent battles too. So I’m learning emotional intelligence not just in theory, but in practice. It means choosing not to project my frustrations. It means remembering that chaos is born when we all bleed on each other instead of healing.
In the middle of all this introspection, I remembered that this week also marked a special day, the birthday of one of my favorite people. I couldn’t let this post end without talking about her.
Meeting her last year was one of the best things that happened to me. At the time, I was deep in an emotional storm. I felt isolated, misunderstood, and lost but then she came along —someone who just got me. She saw through the layers I was hiding behind and offered me a safe space. That one conversation led to a solid, unfiltered friendship.
She’s one of those rare souls who can walk up to you and ask the most unexpected questions not out of nosiness, but because she sees more than you say. She calls it “reading people for a living,” and honestly, she hasn’t done a bad job. I’m thankful for her presence in my life, for the moments she’s held space for me, for the times she’s made me feel known and still loved.
So if you’re reading this, say a word of prayer for her or simply send a kind wish on her behalf. People like her are rare and I know she’s one of the ways God reminded me I wasn’t alone.
Final Thoughts
I still don’t feel like I have everything figured out. Maybe I never will. However, I’m realizing that growth doesn’t always feel like progress. Sometimes, it feels like sitting at your study table, crying and still showing up the next day. Sometimes, it feels like encouraging someone else while secretly doubting yourself. Sometimes, it feels like surviving, not thriving.
Yet in all that, we are becoming.
I'm so grateful for this
And may God bless the Sister and lift her much more than her expectations
Everyone's journey is nuanced, and layered.